Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Gray area

It's hard to be me, to be human, to have emotions and emotional reactions to events in my life. For ANYONE, not just me. It's so frustrating when all the institutions that man has created - to manage his life, to create opportunity, to deal with finances, to make a living - are structured in a very black and white way, when human beings are about the farthest thing from black and white as you can get! It's either right or wrong, late or on time, accept or decline, approval or disapproval, honesty or dishonesty. It just seems that there are so many ways in which we try to make things clean cut for ourselves and I just think they all end up making life a living hell for us in the end.

I live in the gray. Everything about me is gray. There are shades of gray in everything I do and everything I see. But we are forced into these black and white boxes without being able to stay in the gray area. I really feel like this has to be one of the main reasons that people actually consider suicide. How long can you be forced to BE a certain way before it becomes impossible?

I am not even sure if this is all being explained right. But that is where I am today. Deeply entrenched in the gray, while being judged by the black and white standards.

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