randomness

Weird dreams (can't remember any today, but I remember waking up last night thinking WTF?!)
Work frustration (more evidence that SysAdmin is just bluffing his way through stuff.)
New partnership (a friend at work and I are going to work together on something.)
Nice weather (even the thunderstorms have been cool!)
Sore neck (not sure what the heck this is about, but I have had a sore neck from sleeping for days.)
New Nine Inch Nails album (The Slip - WOOT!)
Co-worker rants (my co-worker came at me this morning with a fistful of rants, with which I sympathize, but it was just discouraging.)
Mountain Dew Voltage is ok, nothing great (my sweetie got a free 12 pack.)
New bras rock (I feel buoyant.)
Lots of things to do in and to my house - need to organize them tonight (yeah, that.)
Reflecting on fun from the weekend (SKRF - had a great time and lots of fun and I am oddly looking forward to the event even though I am scripting.)
A helpful lesson in terminal services (from a geek friend - he taught me stuff that was VITAL and just cleared a whole bunch up for me!)
A disappointing answer (my job position does not require a salary revaluation because we are in line with the other IT positions here.)
Feeling hungry (I think it's time for lunch!)

nickel and dimed

I'm not going to complain. Because I know I am going to get an increase of 3.5% of my salary. Everyone here is.

That's all for today.

Do as I say...

You know what I love? I love that my SysAdmin takes TOTAL advantage when the Boss Guy is out of the office for any reason. Wednesdays, Boss Guy leaves early to coach his kid's wrestling team. Every Wed, SysAdmin leaves early too. This week Boss Guy is in California at a conference until Thursday. Today, SysAdmin guy got in at 1:30 (dentist appts for his kids.) And he left at 5:00 pm on the dot! How much you wanna bet that tomorrow he is in late and leaves early? I would bet big money on it.

Yet, when I turn in my time card with 45 fucking minutes of overtime on it, for the evening I rebooted a server FROM HOME, at 11:00 PM AT NIGHT, I get questioned on it by him.

Yeah. I love that.

This toolbag is going to sit in on my review next Thursday too. We'll see how that goes. I rated myself Meets Expectations on some things, but Exceeds on a handful too, with good reason, I say. I am betting that Boss Guy knocks them all down to Meets and gives me a 3.5% cost of living increase. I am going to have to take issue with that considering he has been giddy lately at all the money our department is getting to purchase equipment and how easily he has gotten it all approved in comparison to last year. And he as much as SAID that ease is because of me and my co-worker and all our hard work over the past year. So he better put that money where his mouth is.

Feh.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

The weather has been disappointing this weekend. We were hoping to have a nice sunny afternoon to be able to take the pooches to the dog park. We took them anyway yesterday, and they ended up having a fine old time and thoroughly tiring themselves out. But the small dog side of the park was woefully empty with only three other dogs in it the whole time we were there. The big dog side was hopping with probably as many as twenty and as few as fifteen dogs at a time in there. I even took Rogue over there to get her some play time, but no one paid her any mind and for some reason, she just stood around sniffing the ground rather than play. So I brought her back over to the small dog side and then another person showed up with their puppy that my pooches played with the rest of the time we were there. It was a Lhasa-poo and was grey and awfully cute. Rogue had a fine time chasing him around and rolling him a few times. Then Storm ran after them too and there was much running and charging each other. It was cuteness.

Today's weather was just as disappointing. Just blah out there. I headed out to get the paper and refill my allergy med. But came back home and crawled back into bed with the puppies to snuggle some more.

I have these lists in my head of things to do around the house. But then I have this nagging, why bother, feeling. Half the things I want to list cost money that I don't have to spare. The other half, I just don't have the energy or motivation to do. I dunno. I am going to make the list this week. I will see what I can do with it.

Speaking of stuff to do, I need to put the laundry in the dryer. Sorry for the intrusion of the mundane, but it's gotta get done.

posty post post

I lack much to post about, so I write just to fill up some space.

Hi everyone!! How is your day going? What is making you smile today? What is making you pissed off? Let's share!!

Hugs to the internets!

not right...in the head

So here's how you know something's wrong with you.

You make tentative plans with a friend that then become solid. You are going to hang out for a weekend, but not the entire weekend, because the last day of the weekend the friend has family stuff to do. No biggie. The friend can arrive anytime because they are not tied down to a departure time. Loose plans are made to do fun things, but nothing specific or rock-solid.

Later in the week, you get an IM from another friend mentioning something about hanging our this weekend. Just as you are about to say you have plans with visiting friend, they ask if you got the e-mail. So you say no and go check your e-mail. You have an e-mail from a different friend saying something about the friend who is coming to spend time with you (and the one that just IM'd you) wanting to spend time with them.

Here is where things go awry.

Your first thought is: Well, if she wanted to go hang out with that other friend, why did she accept MY invitation?

Then you re-read the e-mail and see that you are also invited, as you are included on the e-mail and also asked if you have other plans already with the visiting friend.

Your next thought is: They all obviously already MADE plans to hang out with each other last weekend when they all spent time together. I was not involved in those plans, nor was I told about them when I spoke to visiting friend. So it seems I am an afterthought.

You try to work through these thoughts and figure out why you feel this way. Clearly a gut reaction. Clearly not entirely rational. But it's the way you feel. You feel like visiting friend doesn't really want to spend time with you, she wants to spend time with the other friends. And the only reason they asked you along was because visiting friend told them she was going to be visiting you. So leaving you out wouldn't be very polite. You try to think about how you could decline and they could go on their merry way and have their desired night out. You feel tiny and unimportant. You feel somehow rejected. It all makes little sense, but it makes total sense. In your head.

Then you write about it in your LiveJournal.

wimping out

Posted to my LJ on Mar. 1st, 2008 at 10:50 pm

I was going to try and write a real entry today. But I am just without the wits to do it. I am spending the day hanging out with the puppies, relaxing and not thinking about money or mortgages. It snowed - AGAIN - last night. Fortunately, everything on the roads is already gone. It rained after snowing and today was pretty warm compared to last night. Woohoo no shoveling!!

Other than that, I am doing more puppy napping and hanging out tonight and tomorrow. Maybe we will go out to eat for my birthday. Not too worried about it. I am not exactly thrilled to be turning a year older with everything that is going on lately.

Anyway, here is my lame post for the day. :-)

P.S. Today officially begins NaBloPoMo for March!

blog post

I have been meaning to post every day this week. But after I leave work, I forget every five minutes after I get home. I get on my computer, then I go to the bathroom and forget. Then I get back on the computer, then I go up to make dinner and forget. Then I eat dinner and watch whatever show I am watching that night (American Idol, of late) and forget. And then it's time for bed, I go to turn off the computer and I have forgotten all night to post. And I am not going to START posting at 11:30 or 12:00. I have done that a lot, but I have to get to bed earlier because I am constantly dragging my butt out of bed in the mornings tired as hell.

Not that I have much to post about anyways. There is nothing that I want to post about going on right now. My medication is driving me batty (agitated, shaky hands and ear ringing) and I am going to talk to the doc about changing it (after 2 weeks of the higher dosage). My brother has pissed me off to the point where I am ready to be really rude to him in general, as well as tell him where he can shove it. I am itching for spring to get here already - I want to open my windows and sliding door. And I am officially boycotting laundry until I get a new washing machine, which should be any day now (e-file be praised!)

That's about it. Here are some funny links that you need to go visit and look at/read/see:

Jimmy Kimmel clip that is NOT safe for work!
Dooce's new dog making crazy dog noises

Have a nice day.

Blah

No, really. Just...blah.

"white-knuckling" it through this week...

Posted to my LJ on Feb. 15th, 2008 at 11:45 PM


I have had my head down making my way through this week a step at a time. It really does feel like weeks since I wrote that post Tuesday. Saw my doc Tuesday and instead of trying a different med, we are upping the dose for a test period to see if anything changes. Saw my therapist that night. I need to start journaling (privately, sorry) about my sessions so I actually THINK about things during the week. I am realizing that I have this awful habit of talking about stuff that's important and then I don't think about it again until 5 minutes before my next appointment. I do it outside of therapy and have for years. My family did it all the time. Not insidiously, like the white elephant in the room kind of not dealing with it. Just going on and kind of rolling over it like roadkill. Yep, that's the metaphor.

SysAdmin guy at work has been less outright annoying this week. I am taking it at face value. Is he trying to get along better with me and my co-worker? Or is he actually being slightly more personable? Who can tell - the man has the personality of a bag of hair.

I got to configure new laptops for other people this week. I realized I am kind of annoyed that everyone else in IT is getting one except me and my co-worker.

Manager guy was pretty much not around all week because he was in a conference room with a guy from our software vendor all week. That was nice. I hate having two bosses. Fortunately, they don't really give me conflicting instruction, but sometimes the both tell me to do the same thing, which is very annoying. Yes, I know. My other boss already told me.

This week was filled with puppy poop and puppy vomit. My pooches were both not feeling well and took it out on the house. I shall be shampooing some carpet as soon as I am able (again, just did it last week before we got the house appraised.)

The appraiser came Wednesday morning. After it SNOWED THREE INCHES overnight. Which is good, because all the leaves on the lawn were covered. It's good she was not too late, because just an hour after she came, it began POURING RAIN for the rest of the day, melting all the snow. At work, we had that rain on the roof noise all afternoon.

Thursday began the poop explosion, with Storm starting off the poop-splosion. The next morning, she seemed better and ate normally. Then it was Rogue's turn. Coming home to it was not fun for my sweetie. Not at all. Then Thursday night (that would be last night) Storm began the vomiting. She did not eat dinner at all, and began vomiting at about 6:30 and proceeded to do so about 8 times througout the night. She got very listless and lethargic and couldn't get comfortable to sleep for hours at a time. So I was up with her on my chest for several hours last night, stroking her fur, trying to comfort her a little. Then this morning, more diarrhea and so it was time to go to the vet. I could not get her an appointment at my regular vet, so I went to the Emergency Animal Hospital (and I am very happy there IS one here...) and asked the attendant what she thought (after finding out that just being SEEN is over $100 dollars!) We talked about it and she thought she would be okay and was not in an emergency state. So I called my vet and got on the waiting list to go in later today. As it turned out, she slept a few hours and then my sweetie called me and told me she was almost good as new. Playing with Rogue, jumping around the room, very interested in her food again...YAY!!! So I cancelled the appointment, we don't need to go unless she has a relapse.

The kicker to all this poop and vomit is that our washing machine is busted and we are waiting for the tax return to get a new one. So we will have to haul almost all of the bedclothes in the house to the laundromat to get washed! \m/

Went to work and had a nutty crazy day. Then came home and had to yell at the mortgage company for poor record keeping.

And to top it all off, I am getting sick. I have a cough, my chest feels tight and I have been getting achier (more achy?) since I got home. My eyes feel hot and that probably means I have a fever.

This week has been long. Very long.

meds suck

So I take Lexapro. And a little over a year ago, it began to lose its effectiveness. Or something. I had depression feelings. Not just feeling "down", but deep dark depressive feelings. They would last a couple of weeks and then, as inexplicably as they started, go away.

So I told my doc about this and she added Wellbutrin to my regimen. I have been taking this since November. Well, it ain't working. I still feel depressed. No more than I did, but it's a little different. Over my holiday break (my job has the very large benefit of being an educational institution, ipso facto, there are no students at school during the christmas/new years week; hence, we had it off) I pretty much hung out in bed the whole time. I didn't do the project of clearing out and reorganizing my basement. I didn't do the project of cleaning off my desk of the mountain (literally) of papers on it. I didn't do much of anything. This also holds true for most of my weekends. I do the stuff I have to do and then I sit around in bed with my puppies, napping and watching TV.

One might say I am just living the lap of luxury life. But that's really not it. If I were in TOTAL denial, I would agree with that. But I am not that good at fooling even myself.

I discussed this at therapy and was told that I should have more energy, more motivation and be able to drag my ass out of bed to do SOMETHING. The wellbutrin is not doing the trick. Called my doc this week and I need to go back to discuss other meds. There are at least four other meds I know about that I am sure we could try. I am hoping not to have to try them all.

I have been having some annoying side effects since I have been on the Wellbutrin. My hands shake - not a huge visible trembling shake. It's more annoying to me than visible to anyone else, because...well, I feel shaky. Also, this hard to describe feeling in or around my head. Clench your jaw muscles and make a face like you are cringing and that is sort of how it feels. There's a little bit of ear ringing and this weird feeling of my scalp being tense or pulled back. And additionally, if I have more than one caffeine drink in a day, the bouncy feeling verges on anxiety. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G!

So I guess I should feel lucky that I have no other side effects, other than it not really doing anything positive for me. But now that I have called my doc about it, I am itching to get off this med. I will have to wait until at least Monday so I can call her back and make an appointment. Blah!

It has been eating at me for over a week and I just had to write about it. Apologies to everyone that I didn't say anything, including my sweetie. I have been trying to just deal with it.

MY answers to 20 questions...

1. tell me something obvious about yourself.
I'm a 'big' girl.
2. tell me something about yourself that i don't know.
I'm finding this hard to answer, I will get back to it below...
3. what is your biggest fear?
Never being happy.
4. do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?
I would have to say the safe route, sadly.
5. what is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?
Confidence.
6. what is your most treasured possession?
My computer hard drive - because it contains volumes of memories and pictures from my life.
7. what is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?
Scratching cuts.
8. tell me something about you that I don't know.
My father's great-grandfather was a prolific painter and two of his paintings hang in the New York Historical Society.
9. tell me something about you that everybody knows.
I LOVE dogs.
10. what is your favorite lie to tell?
I hate lying. But the lie I use the most is "It's alright."
11. name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.
ALL DAY SPA DAY!!!
12. are you the jealous type?
Not jealous with my sweetie. But I get jealous of what other people have or what they look like.
13. what is the 1 person, place or thing that you can never say no to?
My puppies and a plate of pancakes!
14. what is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
Stick by me even when I am being a giant pain in the ass.
15. if you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
Walk into boss guy's office and tell him exactly what I think of him, then do the same to SysAdmin guy, and then walk out the door of this place. That would be CRAZY!!! Because then I wouldn't have a JOB! And then I would have no MONEY!. And, a short time later, I would have no HOUSE! That would be Britney crazy! (Yeah, I said it!)
16. when was the last time you cried?
Less than 24 hours ago.
17. when was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
I can't remember - maybe at Atlas.
18. do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
I don't feel comfortable in public with my shirt ON!
19. tell me something embarrassing you did while drunk.
It's between two things:
1 - Was so drunk that I did not know my (now-ex)husband.
2 - Threw up on a highly respected Sales Rep after a company Christmas party (more specifically, on his Armani suit.)
20. if you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?
Blah blah - feel free to steal and use.

20 questions - edited

1. tell me something obvious about yourself.
2. tell me something about yourself that i don't know.
3. what is your biggest fear?
4. do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?
5. what is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?
6. what is your most treasured possession?
7. what is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?
8. tell me something about you that I don't know.
9. tell me something about you that everybody knows.
10. what is your favorite lie to tell?
11. name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. are you the jealous type?
13. what is the 1 person, place or thing that you can never say no to?
14. what is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. if you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. when was the last time you cried?
17. when was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. tell me something embarrassing you did while drunk.
20. if you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?

(The edit was that questions 8 & 9 originally read, "tell me something about yourself sexually that I don't know/that everybody knows. Honestly, I don't WANT to know stuff sexually about you people. So, yeah, edited.)

Stolen from someone I don't know.

numbers

Miles on my car: 250,000
Year my car was made and purchased: 1999
Number of overtime hours I worked the first week of this month: 7.00
Percentage of time I have spent working today: 65%
Milligrams of ibuprofen I will be taking shortly: 1000
My average blood pressure reading: 100/80
Number of days in the canine heat cycle: 21-28
Time the EOS module was scheduled for: 2pm-4pm
Time the EOS module ACTUALLY happened: 3pm-7pm
EOS evening event schedule: 6pm-8pm
EOS ACTUAL evening event time: 7:30pm-11:30pm
Number of hours I slept on Sunday: 10
Pieces of entertainment equipment our new (free) remote controls: 9
Amount of time until I can leave today: 2:10