hate clothes shopping

Posted to my LJ on April 28th, 2008 at 11:00 am

Two large sales this weekend. 40% off at lane bryant, 30% off at Avenue (the fat girl stores). So I go on Sunday, avoid eating lunch before shopping so I will be that much less full. I tried on about 8 shirts at Lane Bryant. I tried on about 10 at Avenue.

I came home with ONE BLACK SHIRT.

One.

It's a stretchy t-shirt. Plain, longer sleeves than your average t-shirt. No design, no fancy trim. Just a plain black t-shirt.

And a piss poor body image, I came home with that too.

Getting out of bed, dressed and off to work this morning was a serious effort. Staying here all day will be a similar effort.

Sometimes I just hate my life.

p.s. The shirt wasn't even included in the sale because it's some "right price" item.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

The weather has been disappointing this weekend. We were hoping to have a nice sunny afternoon to be able to take the pooches to the dog park. We took them anyway yesterday, and they ended up having a fine old time and thoroughly tiring themselves out. But the small dog side of the park was woefully empty with only three other dogs in it the whole time we were there. The big dog side was hopping with probably as many as twenty and as few as fifteen dogs at a time in there. I even took Rogue over there to get her some play time, but no one paid her any mind and for some reason, she just stood around sniffing the ground rather than play. So I brought her back over to the small dog side and then another person showed up with their puppy that my pooches played with the rest of the time we were there. It was a Lhasa-poo and was grey and awfully cute. Rogue had a fine time chasing him around and rolling him a few times. Then Storm ran after them too and there was much running and charging each other. It was cuteness.

Today's weather was just as disappointing. Just blah out there. I headed out to get the paper and refill my allergy med. But came back home and crawled back into bed with the puppies to snuggle some more.

I have these lists in my head of things to do around the house. But then I have this nagging, why bother, feeling. Half the things I want to list cost money that I don't have to spare. The other half, I just don't have the energy or motivation to do. I dunno. I am going to make the list this week. I will see what I can do with it.

Speaking of stuff to do, I need to put the laundry in the dryer. Sorry for the intrusion of the mundane, but it's gotta get done.

not right...in the head

So here's how you know something's wrong with you.

You make tentative plans with a friend that then become solid. You are going to hang out for a weekend, but not the entire weekend, because the last day of the weekend the friend has family stuff to do. No biggie. The friend can arrive anytime because they are not tied down to a departure time. Loose plans are made to do fun things, but nothing specific or rock-solid.

Later in the week, you get an IM from another friend mentioning something about hanging our this weekend. Just as you are about to say you have plans with visiting friend, they ask if you got the e-mail. So you say no and go check your e-mail. You have an e-mail from a different friend saying something about the friend who is coming to spend time with you (and the one that just IM'd you) wanting to spend time with them.

Here is where things go awry.

Your first thought is: Well, if she wanted to go hang out with that other friend, why did she accept MY invitation?

Then you re-read the e-mail and see that you are also invited, as you are included on the e-mail and also asked if you have other plans already with the visiting friend.

Your next thought is: They all obviously already MADE plans to hang out with each other last weekend when they all spent time together. I was not involved in those plans, nor was I told about them when I spoke to visiting friend. So it seems I am an afterthought.

You try to work through these thoughts and figure out why you feel this way. Clearly a gut reaction. Clearly not entirely rational. But it's the way you feel. You feel like visiting friend doesn't really want to spend time with you, she wants to spend time with the other friends. And the only reason they asked you along was because visiting friend told them she was going to be visiting you. So leaving you out wouldn't be very polite. You try to think about how you could decline and they could go on their merry way and have their desired night out. You feel tiny and unimportant. You feel somehow rejected. It all makes little sense, but it makes total sense. In your head.

Then you write about it in your LiveJournal.

meds suck

So I take Lexapro. And a little over a year ago, it began to lose its effectiveness. Or something. I had depression feelings. Not just feeling "down", but deep dark depressive feelings. They would last a couple of weeks and then, as inexplicably as they started, go away.

So I told my doc about this and she added Wellbutrin to my regimen. I have been taking this since November. Well, it ain't working. I still feel depressed. No more than I did, but it's a little different. Over my holiday break (my job has the very large benefit of being an educational institution, ipso facto, there are no students at school during the christmas/new years week; hence, we had it off) I pretty much hung out in bed the whole time. I didn't do the project of clearing out and reorganizing my basement. I didn't do the project of cleaning off my desk of the mountain (literally) of papers on it. I didn't do much of anything. This also holds true for most of my weekends. I do the stuff I have to do and then I sit around in bed with my puppies, napping and watching TV.

One might say I am just living the lap of luxury life. But that's really not it. If I were in TOTAL denial, I would agree with that. But I am not that good at fooling even myself.

I discussed this at therapy and was told that I should have more energy, more motivation and be able to drag my ass out of bed to do SOMETHING. The wellbutrin is not doing the trick. Called my doc this week and I need to go back to discuss other meds. There are at least four other meds I know about that I am sure we could try. I am hoping not to have to try them all.

I have been having some annoying side effects since I have been on the Wellbutrin. My hands shake - not a huge visible trembling shake. It's more annoying to me than visible to anyone else, because...well, I feel shaky. Also, this hard to describe feeling in or around my head. Clench your jaw muscles and make a face like you are cringing and that is sort of how it feels. There's a little bit of ear ringing and this weird feeling of my scalp being tense or pulled back. And additionally, if I have more than one caffeine drink in a day, the bouncy feeling verges on anxiety. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G!

So I guess I should feel lucky that I have no other side effects, other than it not really doing anything positive for me. But now that I have called my doc about it, I am itching to get off this med. I will have to wait until at least Monday so I can call her back and make an appointment. Blah!

It has been eating at me for over a week and I just had to write about it. Apologies to everyone that I didn't say anything, including my sweetie. I have been trying to just deal with it.

Bad day for my head

I am having a bad day mentally. Why? Who knows. I felt crappy when I woke up. I probably did not get enough sleep. I had therapy last night, but it was not terribly depressing. Some stuff to think about, but again, nothing that made me want to cry or anything. Who knows. I don't even care. I am just having a crappy day. I feel bad, I feel blah-ier than the regular blah. Today is a day I would have called in sick, if I had a sick day. At work today, I just wanted to put my head down on my desk. It's not really a talk about it and I will feel better thing either. I just don't know what is up.

My puppies made me smile, my sweetie gave me big hugs, I laughed at the weirdos on American Idol. But I am still feeling the same way.

The best thing for me to do is to go to bed!

That is where I am writing from and now that I am done, I will now roll over and pull the covers over my head.

Thankful

I am thankful for:
-being alive
-my sweetie, 'nuff said
-my family, even with all their problems
-my bestest friends who stick by me even when I am bitchy to them and ignore them and push back when they try to help and don't spend enough time with them, etc., etc.
-my pups
-advancements in pharmaceuticals
-having health insurance
-living in a free society
-the internets and computers
-my mother's chocolate mousse pie

I am not thankful for:
-this sinus headache

That's my list at this time. The sinus headache really needs to hit the road and go. This is the third day I have had it. It sucks.

Highlights

So, to hit on some points from today:

* I become very focused at work and forget pretty much anything else - including doctor appointments (not to worry, I went later in the day)

* I like Taco Bell a lot

* I like my doctor, but she is an unfortunate victim of HMO Syndrome, aka. the 3 minute exam

* I suck at asking for help

* I am afraid of letting my friends down

* I have increased my reliance on modern pharmaceuticals

That's about it for today. I am really not in the mood to write more about it at the moment. I had a thought this morning on the way to work for some good blog topics, something about pet peeves. But the thought flew right out of my mind a second later and I could not, for the life of me, remember the great idea I had. Oh well.

Controversial posting

So, I am going to post about depression. This post is protected because I don't need strangers prying into and commenting about my personal issues.

The two articles linked in this post, which I have lifted from the website of the illustrious Dooce (read her site if you a)like to laugh, b) have or have had a small child, c) appreciate bluntness and bizarre observations, or d) like dogs) are two of the best personal accounts of depression and what it feels like that I have read. I have read (or started to read) many books on the subject. I have been to counseling, though I am not seeing a therapist at the moment. I began taking antidepressant medication about 3 1/2 years ago (or so). My moods were really out of control and I would get very upset very quickly (either angry or crying). I was under a tremendous amount of stress at the time, which exacerbated things a lot. The combination of taking the meds along with getting my birth control pill adjusted so that I get my period only 4 times a year (seasonale is the best birth control pill EVER!!!) helped a lot and my moods are mostly settled. Note: the second thing is because I get some really heavy duty PMS based moodiness - bizarre thoughts, enhanced moods, feeling "weird" - PLUS physical PMS symptoms as well.

I have never experienced the "numb", or "dull" feeling that some people who have been on antidepressants describe. I certainly do not feel that way now and have not since I have been on meds.

I was very hesitant to go on meds for one large reason - my mother. My mother has issues. ADD, some OCD, mildly bi-polar, depressive. She has been on meds for several years now. She doesn't acknowledge her conditions as illnesses, never has. It's just "how she is, okay?" She is hard to get along with and it's a crap shoot as to how she will be when you talk to her or see her. Most of the time her world revolves around her. Anyway, I digress...the point is this. I don't want to become her. If I thought I was too much like her, I don't know what I would do. Leave normal society and go be a hermit somewhere. NOT subject the world to me, to that. So, for me, going on meds was just another step towards being like my mother.

But the meds have helped ME and things in MY LIFE, so now I have owned that part of it and there is none of that trepidation any longer.

Why am I talking about all of this? Because I need other people to know. I know some people who have dealt with depression, and some people who have never had to really experience this lovely miasma. It is beyond difficult to explain to someone who does not understand how this is, what it is like, how it feels...and most important WHY. Not why do I have it...WHY can't I get over it, why do I STILL feel this way, WHY can't I just move on.

Please read these two articles and try to understand WHY.

Article #1
Article #2