writer's block

I have had writers block this week and last week.

Sort of.

There is stuff flying through my mind. But I don't necessarily want to write about it. Or I do, but I feel like I am just going to recant what I wrote ten minutes ago. I am kind of a mess. Not a bad mess. Sort of. Yeah, I feel a little nuts today.

I have not felt much like writing about the same old damn crap. I am just uninspired.

And cranky.

I am not sure this medication is working for me. We (the psych nurse and I) increased the dose one week ago yesterday and I feel like I am going a little bonkers (and driving my sweetie bonkers, too) since then. On the lower dose I felt.....o-k-a-y. Not bad, but not really better. Nothing appreciable anyway. It's hard when my moods are messed up to notice a difference. Maybe that should be the tell-tale sign that the med ISN'T WORKING, when it's hard to notice a difference. But the past week, I think I do notice a difference. Short fuse, difficulty keeping focused, negative thoughts (more than usual, I think), and more anxiety. I have had tiny lightheaded episodes (by tiny I mean for literally seconds) here and there. Oh and Monday I had WAY too much caffeine!! Two cokes and a cup of tea! I was vibrating by the time I got home. It was super sucky! Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I feel like this icky mood has come on over the past week. Last week, all week, I felt shitty. It started after trying to shop Sunday, but I felt shitty the rest of the week too. And I really don't feel any better this week. I am not necessarily focused on my body image. Just everything else! Bills, work, mini disasters at home - they are setting me WAY off this week. And I am finding it hard to concentrate at work for more than a few minutes.

Hmph.

Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I feel like that may be more than a little factor.

This process is very trying.

Updates

A few updates on stuff:

Reducing dosage of meds to wean off them is not fun. Headaches, nausea, diarrhea - these are just a few of the fun symptoms. Oh yeah, and falling asleep at my desk. That's fun too.

Spring is TOMORROW, people! Let's stop now with the freezing rain and the 30 degrees, shall we?

Drama. Dra-mah!

Dogs get pissed off too.

I still work for someone who knows less than I do. Yesterday I told him how to install Windows Updates on a Terminal Server. Granted, we had the Auto Update Service disabled. But all I did was follow the instructions on the Windows Update page when it would not load my updates. It told me to set the service to Auto and Start it. So I did. Lo and behold - it worked. He did not do this. He thought he would have to make some group policy or some complicated crap like that. Apparently he has never heard of Ockham's Razor.

Someday I will own a tiny little kitten and name it "Nugget". Or maybe I will name my next dog that name instead. Either way, it's a painfully cute name.

Heather Mills is certifiably insane.

My co-worker is going to incite homicidal rage in me if he keeps listening to the John Denver/Gordon Lightfoot/Edelweiss/Ave Maria/Don't Cry For Me Argentina streaming radio channel.

Xander has one of those lives you just can't make up. Between delivery truck accidents, psycho girlfriends and being kicked to the curb while visiting a friend - it's really book material! He should write a book!

I would like to take a nap right now, under my desk. Just an hour, that's all I need...

Freecycle is a great concept, but I think too many people use it as their personal yard sale to get rid of CRAP, not give away perfectly good usable stuff because they no longer need it.

I missed a day on here. I need to stop missing days and just post every damn day!

I can't think of anymore updates presently.

Coping with life

Today, this week, I am coping. Getting by. Dealing with it. My brain is not working the way it should and I am having a pretty steady dialogue with myself about it this week. No, not schizophrenic dialog. I'm not hearing voices. I am just keeping it together by having little chats with my wacky brain.

Meds are not so wonderful things sometimes. Time for a new one. That's what this is all about. Wean off one, try another.

Flargen blarg.

blog post

I have been meaning to post every day this week. But after I leave work, I forget every five minutes after I get home. I get on my computer, then I go to the bathroom and forget. Then I get back on the computer, then I go up to make dinner and forget. Then I eat dinner and watch whatever show I am watching that night (American Idol, of late) and forget. And then it's time for bed, I go to turn off the computer and I have forgotten all night to post. And I am not going to START posting at 11:30 or 12:00. I have done that a lot, but I have to get to bed earlier because I am constantly dragging my butt out of bed in the mornings tired as hell.

Not that I have much to post about anyways. There is nothing that I want to post about going on right now. My medication is driving me batty (agitated, shaky hands and ear ringing) and I am going to talk to the doc about changing it (after 2 weeks of the higher dosage). My brother has pissed me off to the point where I am ready to be really rude to him in general, as well as tell him where he can shove it. I am itching for spring to get here already - I want to open my windows and sliding door. And I am officially boycotting laundry until I get a new washing machine, which should be any day now (e-file be praised!)

That's about it. Here are some funny links that you need to go visit and look at/read/see:

Jimmy Kimmel clip that is NOT safe for work!
Dooce's new dog making crazy dog noises

Have a nice day.

"white-knuckling" it through this week...

Posted to my LJ on Feb. 15th, 2008 at 11:45 PM


I have had my head down making my way through this week a step at a time. It really does feel like weeks since I wrote that post Tuesday. Saw my doc Tuesday and instead of trying a different med, we are upping the dose for a test period to see if anything changes. Saw my therapist that night. I need to start journaling (privately, sorry) about my sessions so I actually THINK about things during the week. I am realizing that I have this awful habit of talking about stuff that's important and then I don't think about it again until 5 minutes before my next appointment. I do it outside of therapy and have for years. My family did it all the time. Not insidiously, like the white elephant in the room kind of not dealing with it. Just going on and kind of rolling over it like roadkill. Yep, that's the metaphor.

SysAdmin guy at work has been less outright annoying this week. I am taking it at face value. Is he trying to get along better with me and my co-worker? Or is he actually being slightly more personable? Who can tell - the man has the personality of a bag of hair.

I got to configure new laptops for other people this week. I realized I am kind of annoyed that everyone else in IT is getting one except me and my co-worker.

Manager guy was pretty much not around all week because he was in a conference room with a guy from our software vendor all week. That was nice. I hate having two bosses. Fortunately, they don't really give me conflicting instruction, but sometimes the both tell me to do the same thing, which is very annoying. Yes, I know. My other boss already told me.

This week was filled with puppy poop and puppy vomit. My pooches were both not feeling well and took it out on the house. I shall be shampooing some carpet as soon as I am able (again, just did it last week before we got the house appraised.)

The appraiser came Wednesday morning. After it SNOWED THREE INCHES overnight. Which is good, because all the leaves on the lawn were covered. It's good she was not too late, because just an hour after she came, it began POURING RAIN for the rest of the day, melting all the snow. At work, we had that rain on the roof noise all afternoon.

Thursday began the poop explosion, with Storm starting off the poop-splosion. The next morning, she seemed better and ate normally. Then it was Rogue's turn. Coming home to it was not fun for my sweetie. Not at all. Then Thursday night (that would be last night) Storm began the vomiting. She did not eat dinner at all, and began vomiting at about 6:30 and proceeded to do so about 8 times througout the night. She got very listless and lethargic and couldn't get comfortable to sleep for hours at a time. So I was up with her on my chest for several hours last night, stroking her fur, trying to comfort her a little. Then this morning, more diarrhea and so it was time to go to the vet. I could not get her an appointment at my regular vet, so I went to the Emergency Animal Hospital (and I am very happy there IS one here...) and asked the attendant what she thought (after finding out that just being SEEN is over $100 dollars!) We talked about it and she thought she would be okay and was not in an emergency state. So I called my vet and got on the waiting list to go in later today. As it turned out, she slept a few hours and then my sweetie called me and told me she was almost good as new. Playing with Rogue, jumping around the room, very interested in her food again...YAY!!! So I cancelled the appointment, we don't need to go unless she has a relapse.

The kicker to all this poop and vomit is that our washing machine is busted and we are waiting for the tax return to get a new one. So we will have to haul almost all of the bedclothes in the house to the laundromat to get washed! \m/

Went to work and had a nutty crazy day. Then came home and had to yell at the mortgage company for poor record keeping.

And to top it all off, I am getting sick. I have a cough, my chest feels tight and I have been getting achier (more achy?) since I got home. My eyes feel hot and that probably means I have a fever.

This week has been long. Very long.

meds suck

So I take Lexapro. And a little over a year ago, it began to lose its effectiveness. Or something. I had depression feelings. Not just feeling "down", but deep dark depressive feelings. They would last a couple of weeks and then, as inexplicably as they started, go away.

So I told my doc about this and she added Wellbutrin to my regimen. I have been taking this since November. Well, it ain't working. I still feel depressed. No more than I did, but it's a little different. Over my holiday break (my job has the very large benefit of being an educational institution, ipso facto, there are no students at school during the christmas/new years week; hence, we had it off) I pretty much hung out in bed the whole time. I didn't do the project of clearing out and reorganizing my basement. I didn't do the project of cleaning off my desk of the mountain (literally) of papers on it. I didn't do much of anything. This also holds true for most of my weekends. I do the stuff I have to do and then I sit around in bed with my puppies, napping and watching TV.

One might say I am just living the lap of luxury life. But that's really not it. If I were in TOTAL denial, I would agree with that. But I am not that good at fooling even myself.

I discussed this at therapy and was told that I should have more energy, more motivation and be able to drag my ass out of bed to do SOMETHING. The wellbutrin is not doing the trick. Called my doc this week and I need to go back to discuss other meds. There are at least four other meds I know about that I am sure we could try. I am hoping not to have to try them all.

I have been having some annoying side effects since I have been on the Wellbutrin. My hands shake - not a huge visible trembling shake. It's more annoying to me than visible to anyone else, because...well, I feel shaky. Also, this hard to describe feeling in or around my head. Clench your jaw muscles and make a face like you are cringing and that is sort of how it feels. There's a little bit of ear ringing and this weird feeling of my scalp being tense or pulled back. And additionally, if I have more than one caffeine drink in a day, the bouncy feeling verges on anxiety. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G!

So I guess I should feel lucky that I have no other side effects, other than it not really doing anything positive for me. But now that I have called my doc about it, I am itching to get off this med. I will have to wait until at least Monday so I can call her back and make an appointment. Blah!

It has been eating at me for over a week and I just had to write about it. Apologies to everyone that I didn't say anything, including my sweetie. I have been trying to just deal with it.